Faith

I constantly struggle with faith. Spirituality. I would tell you that I believe in God. I would tell you that I have felt the essence of God, the presence of God many times. I could tell you that I sense that relationship in the struggles I witness and experience.

I would also say that I believe that religion as I observe it- in all it's diversity has many common threads, and that it seems possible to me that the commonalities, the foundations of various religions are the important bits. They came to us through men, representatives from specific times and places, individuals immersed in their specific cultures, speaking in native languages...prophets selected by God to trumpet the message for all to hear, translating in a way we can understand, so we can recognize.. the truth.

Where the struggle comes in for me is in what feels like worship of the prophets, and the selection of one cultures voice, Gods message piped through one cultural filter, and designated as the only way to know God.

My closest experiences with this are with Catholicism. I am at once soothed by the ritualism and continually mortified by the political actions of the church. Horrified really.

I have never been able to reconcile the truth, the vibration in the universe, with what I have ever felt in church. I have been unable to find in organized religion what my soul(? )searches for and sometimes finds in faith confirming and awe inspiring ways. Faith, for me anyway has been a solitary experience that somehow -in a million unexpected ways-connects me to everything else.

Watched: Deliver Us From Evil

JUNE

I can't believe it is already June. All the plans that kept me from killing myself this winter are close to being in full swing! I am so looking forward to vacation next week, but between now and then -three days in a row at work. Boo.
I had a few good days in a row off though, so I guess I shouldn't complain. It is still cold and rainy here this week and after being encouraged by a few days of sunny warmth it kind of gets old..I planned on ditching some of my paste color and trading it for something more healthy looking...Maybe next week?
I spent the week reading The Hemingses of Monticello:An American Family by Annette Gordon-Reed. It was amazing. The book is about a family of slaves that was intertwined with Thomas Jefferson and his family. It was so interesting. I really enjoyed it. I suppose I would have said that I know a fair amount about slavery and its roots in America...but I really learned so much from this book. I loved how the author spent time on defining words..translating laws and the language of the time for me. It really put the people, places, and events in context for me in a way that I have never experienced before.

Official Start of Summer...

The boys are finally out of school for the summer. The weekend has been very productive. We got a big load of mulch from the recycling center. We spent a few hours getting it in beds today. It is amazing how a little mulch cleans things up.

I saw the farmers market firing up while on my way to work the other morning. I'd like to try to work a trip there on Saturday mornings as part of our regular shopping. It would be nice to work in local food on a routine basis.

The peas are blooming. One of the varieties is purple and pink. Surprise.

First Kiss

I went with J to a big field trip this week and got to watch 3rd graders in action this week. I think it was so much fun to see J's social universe in action, and it made me realize how good we have it, he is just amazing! So smart and well behaved...and in his age group, just striking.. fun to see.

I also got to go to the end of preschool field trip to the zoo with A. He got to hang out with the little girl who has been his friend this year. It was too cool to watch him interact with a child his own age, because we never really get to see that. He's always trying to keep up with older kids... We were in line to buy popcorn, Matt was ordering and paying, and the kids and I were waiting behind him. A just suddenly reached out and touched the little girls cheek, and there was this look on his face he just was suddenly so focused on her.. he leaned in and gave her a quick little peck on the cheek, she laughed and wiped off his kiss -and he just said 'your cheek is so smooth'. (Her ma had her sunscreened). It was too funny! He is who he is going to be, he has all these little thoughts and feelings, and his motivations are so innocent. His first kiss.

They also saw penguins, chased a peacock, and then fed a peacock, went to the butterfly house, saw the big cats, ate popcorn, pouted by the big spiders, checked out the desert dome and otherwise had a fun day.

We spent a few hours resting and then my father and his wife came home from Texas. We had pizza and hung out a little, and then walked to the park and watched some community festivities. There is a house down the street where they tore up the lawn and planted a garden! Good for them! I hope it really takes off. Grass is such a waste of space.

Our garden is doing well. I planted 3 cantaloupe plants and 3 red pepper plants. The peas are about to bloom I think.

When we got home M settled A in for bed and J and I headed to the neighbors. It was so great to have J with me. He's articulate and fun. All the sudden it is no trouble to have him along for most anything. I got to hold a new baby, and their porch was amazing! It is a great thing- a porch. A view of downtown as the sun goes down..a breeze, a little conversation...these days at home are great. I wish they could go on forever.

The allum are opening. The boys all call them naked ladies. I'm still not quite sure why.

Book: Reaching Up For Manhood by Geoffrey Canada

Vincent Bluff

We went to Vincent bluff late this afternoon. It was sunny and breezy after thunderstorms all morning. Clear blue sky. J chased a turkey over the ridge like a neanderthal, and A ambled through the grass almost as tall as he is in places. These flowers were blooming and the smelled very sweet. Not much else blooming there right now, but I bet it will light up in a few weeks. We went down into the woods too, climbs some dead logs and steep hills. the boys threw mud balls at each other.


We chased down a snake the boys had seen at an earlier visit. It was right where they left it. Hunkered under a wood stump. It's belly was so brightly colored! Shocking red and yellow. When bothered it flipped his bright red tail at us.

BOOK: Michael Ruhlmans book about cooking...ugh can't remember the title but about professional cooking translated for the home cook. Contains a breathtaking chapter on stock. Truly. My life is changed, and I am inspired.

Garden And Other Growth

The garden is flourishing. We have spinach, and radishes, and kale and rainbow chard all coming up. We thinned the seedlings and had salads. Mmmm. We planted rhubarb, and a cherry tree, and the boys planted red geraniums all along the outside of the fence for me. The geraniums were a big step for me this year. I have been a snob, I thought they would be great along the white picket fence. Then I found out that they can be over wintered, which is awesome!

I am very excited about the cherry tree, but today M found little worms on the leaves munching away. It has only been planted for a few days... M pulled them off and put them in a baggie in the yard, we looked out the window later and saw a group of three sparrows chasing the baggie, pecking viciously at it. It was amusing.

We also planted zucchini and cucumber seeds, and we have a few cantaloupe and sweet red peppers. We planted nasturtium seeds here and there and a couple really beautiful ornamental purple cabbages. The raspberries appear to be waking up, and we are looking forward to seeing those bloom. It is so satisfying to grow things to eat in our little yard. I feel so connected to this place when we use it this way.

These two weeks have been productive. In the yard. But also in other ways. M is done with the semester of college. He will have the summer off before student teaching. I am glad to have him home again, I am glad to get to sit on the porch and see him working on a project, I am glad to spend my days off from the hospital working in the yard with the boys and him. Making meals, hanging laundry on the line, watching boys play, the work and chatter broken up only by picking J up from school. Soon he will be done for the summer too...it's so nice to be together again..I wish these days could go on forever.

I have been disenchanted with work. I have felt a lack of interest, a lack of ambition. This follows a very productive period for me at work, where I was challenging myself daily.. I want to try something new, but I don't want to sacrifice anymore of my time to that right now I guess..there is just this sense that things there at work are in limbo..unsettled, and I am not sure where to go with my feelings about work and career.. I feel like I am just burrowing in here, waiting to see how things there pan out. I do think it is funny though that just when I think I am totally burnt out on all things having to do with Nursing, and I mean bankrupt, not interested in people, or outcomes, or science or medicine or nurturing in any way- I run across a few patients or families or a coworker who just amazes me..tells me an amazing story that breaks my heart unexpectedly, really angers me,or otherwise re-engages me in the human condition..just when I think it is time to check out completely. People are disgusting, heartless, lazy, smelly, and we have such short memories. We are not consistently creative. We are messy, our feelings are messy. That is the great thing too though...the messiness...it's that that I find so amazing..the feelings that spill out of us, the history that we work so hard at remembering, the scars, the dedication we are capable of..the huge things we can accomplish if we work together and manage to look beyond ourselves at all even for a second. I love how much things mean to us even though we have so little understanding of our work, the universe, or our own bodies..I think it is funny and charming, ironic, and infuriating all the meaning we infuse into things, all the events, and interactions and happenings that we try to force into orderly submission. I love that no matter how hard we try to neaten things up, if there is any pressure applied to us at all we all just ooze and fizzle, pop. Explode, implode. Our inner selves are combustible. Chemistry experiments. Constant interaction. Breaking down and reforming. Continents shifting, constant revision.

I ran into some great people this week. I heard some fascinating stories.

This week:

We Shall Remain - online. last episode airs Mon. night on TV. So engrossing. Changes how I feel as an American, and as a citizen of the world.

Locusts: Movie starring young Vince Vaughn in dramatic role. Interesting. In the same night watched Tully, which was also good. Both featured pastoral scenes, and sounds which were very familiar and pleasing, and are also rarely depicted in film...or rarely depicted well anyway.

BOOK: The Stolen Village - story of 17th century village in Ireland raided by Barbary pirates.- just starting.

Too Much

I am completely freaking out. I went down in the basement to put in a load of laundry. My basement is stuffed to the rafters. I can't believe it. Wrappers. Garbage. Old mops, empty containers, half empty soda bottles??? I don't even know what happened down there. J carried 10 tons of garbage to the cans. I swept the laundry room and sorted the piles. I really am disgusted by myself and my s/o.

I know that my attention to detail is sporadic, I let a lot go. Because I don't want my life to be about housework...I know that it is not important to my husband at all, and if things are sanitary/picked up, I don't worry obsessively about dust etc. But I start to resent it after awhile. I come up with all these plans and we follow them for awhile and then all the sudden I realize no one is cleaning anymore and we have to 'have the conversation', and regroup. It is all so boring. The grinding, epic war against disorder.

Sure, we could let it go. I can pretend it doesn't bother me. I can say that I live with a bunch of boys and no one really cares about mopping but me. So why should I? Why should I be the maid, or nag everyone else to pitch in, to do housework the way that it should be done.Why should I spend my days off catching up instead of interacting with the children?

The disheartening truth is that I think a messy house spills over everywhere else. I feel pressured, stifled, harassed, and depressed. I feel less creative...with cooking and with my willingness to participate with the other people in my family. I won't go to the park and play, or go exercise, because I should clean, I don't want to clean so I sit there and think of what I should be doing...while I sit there time flies by. I don't want to get up in the morning and see what is waiting me. I hate starting, knowing it will be hard to find a stopping place when each drawer and closet is packed full of random objects, dog hair and dust.

I am going to go through each room. Throw away everything broken, give away old, outgrown, ridiculous, and unnecessary. I am going to get rid of furniture I don't care about, fix the sad furniture that I still like.

I would like to reduce the toy pile by 50%. The kids can sell them and keep the money. They are actually on board with this plan.This can be done by June. What a relief it would be.

I could sit in a chair and all the flat surfaces of the furniture could be smooth and clean. ahhh.

Clean house, clean car, organized work, organized mind. My spring plan.

I would be more likely to pick up and work on a project with the kids, or for the house if I were not distracted and depressed by the nagging mess.